I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
