i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
