I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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