did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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