A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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