i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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