I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
