...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
