he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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