ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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