Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
