Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So vagazzling was a success
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
