So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
