She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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