how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
