checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
