My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
