My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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