I CAN MOONWALK!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
