I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hippo gnu deer
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
