Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
