Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
