my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
