if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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