I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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