just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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