rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
