I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
