worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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