i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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