Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
