she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
