see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
