I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
