I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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