help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
