I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
