what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
