Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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