Tell her she can't have a vagina
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
