when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
