Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
