when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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