I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Someone came in the potted fern
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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