my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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