Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You are the jesus of drinking
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
