I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize