Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
