how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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