I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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