How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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