if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize