did you get engaged???
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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