where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We named our party play list daddy issues
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
