it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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