I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A+ Viking dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
