why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
