guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
