I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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