So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
