there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's shark week go big or go home
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
