Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
