You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize