What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i will never coherently bang her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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