I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
