Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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