Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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