I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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