I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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