Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
